Warning.... Cathartic Post Ahead.

I don't know how long post this will be, or how dramatic, how personal. I don't know if it will stay up, stay public, or disappear altogether. But for now, it's being written.... and that's all I know :)

I have said, and posted recently, that having twins is "no big deal" to me as far as dealing with two babies. It's dawned on me just today though, how it most affects me. It's not that it stresses me out to have two infants wailing at the top of their lungs waiting for food, or waiting for their sister to finish eating so they can have a turn (which, believe me, seems to always take an ETERNITY when the other is being impatient!). It's not that I worry about the financial aspect of plowing through several hundred dollars of formula, and even more in diapers, in just the first six weeks.... mostly because I try not to think about that. :) It's not the lack of sleep, or juggling two carriers and a monstrosity of a stroller whenever we go out. It's not carrying or consoling both of them, doing twice the laundry, or anything else one might "struggle" with when having a newborn (or more than one).

Today though, I had a bit of an epiphany. I guess you can call it that, although usually that denotes something positive, helpful. For the past several days, since having a couple of conversations with friends who also have children, I have been repeatedly reminded that I don't have a "first" child. My "first" child was here one minute before my "second" child, and - thanks to that wonderful drug-induced fog I had with anesthesia complications - I don't remember much about either of them until much later. Since then, it has been both of them.

I love that. As most of you know, I always wanted twins. I've always said it wasn't just "in a novelty way, like I think it would be fun". I've always been passionate about wanting multiples. I am in love with the way twins bond, and the special things you can only experience while watching siblings that have always shared much more than family genes.

I love my two, obviously, even more than words can describe. I always dreamed of being a mommy, of having and holding my own child, and then had that dream put on pause, even if just for a relatively 'short' while. After an emotionally long struggle and an uphill path (as well as some conversations with God telling him that I didn't "have to have twins, for crying out loud!" :))) I am so incredibly blessed to hold not one, but two daughters in my arms every day. For that I am so thankful that I'm typing through streams of tears. I wouldn't trade it for the world! In fact, I struggled immensely with this post because I know all too well how much it hurts to read people "complaining" about how richly they've been blessed. I pray that this doesn't come off that way :(

Yet today, I have had a very real struggle with something about which I was never warned. For a short while in the afternoon, I had just Elise upstairs while Avery slept peacefully downstairs in the pack n' play. Then tonight, Kyle was spending time with Elise and I had just Avery resting on the couch on my chest. Both times I was strongly aware that they have always, and will always share everything I can give them.

I know what some of you are thinking. I've talked to expectant moms who have an older child, and have heard them wonder if they "can love the second as much as the first". I suppose in a way this may seem like the same struggle, but I'm not so sure it is -- so I feel somewhat alone in trying to describe my muddy thoughts. Please bear with me...

If I had a two year old and an infant, each of them would be experiencing different things on a particular day - just by the nature of being at different points in their lives. For each of them individually, I would have spent a large amount of time (however unequal) cradling them in their infancy, watching them open their eyes and explore their world and discover new things each day. I would be interacting with my two-year-old differently than I would be with my infant, even in the same moment. They would have unique childhoods, unique experiences growing up at different points in our family's collective life.

I'd be lying if I said that, today anyway, I am somewhat saddened that I can't offer this to Avery and Elise. (Well, and to be really honest, sad that I don't "get" the same experience myself). Don't worry, tomorrow morning I'll wake up and be fine :) I realize that multiples... even sextuplets (God bless their mothers!) do just fine, and don't "miss out" on anything by being in their unique situation. If anything, they get to experience an infinite number of moments together that cannot be duplicated by siblings of varying ages.

I think I am just having one of those days, when I can't begin to fathom how time is flying by so quickly. I know that every mother has the same experience... the same enigma to deal with where you look forward to all that your child(ren) will become, but will miss who they are at this moment. The struggle to balance anticipating what you will experience together in the future with what you seem to run out of time to do in the present.

I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself, realizing that a childhood that passes too quickly anyway with one child, will be shared by two -- the same experiences, the same lives, at the same time. The time spent just cuddling with a precious baby in your arms - minutes that are too finite to begin with - is automatically cut in half, no matter how I balance my time. Really, I think I should just get twice as many hours in each day! Sadly, that's not my call ;)

I know I will continue to bond uniquely with each of them. I know we will always foster independence in them, as that has been so important to us from the moment we knew they were coming. I know that if they turn out to be well-rounded, normal individuals, that it will not have been some fluke that happened "in spite of" their being twins. Although it might very well be "in spite of" their being ours! ;)

I guess I just needed to shed a few (hundred) tears (and write a rambling post like this, naturally!) to try and sort out this peculiar aspect of raising two at a time........




Ok, time for bed. Or for the bedroom anyway, where two beautiful (albeit cranky) girls await their mama...... as loudly as ever! :)

Lots of new friends, and new clothes!

The last several days, Elise and Avery have met lots of new people! Unfortunately we don't have very many pictures to show for it! :(

Last week we played with Sunnie and visited with Miss Sara. She was smart enough to get a picture or two! The girls were much happier most of the visit than they appear here :)















Then yesterday, after a long day of errands and a ridiculously chaotic cheesecake adventure (don't ask), we visited with Aunties Leah and Anna, as well as "the other" Anna (sorry Anna B.... I promise you'll always be "the original" Anna Broun/Brown at least! ;)), Miss Karen, Mr. Dave, Mr. Daniel Mr. Philip, and - best of all - a new friend Eli! Eli is a little bigger than the girls for now, so they didn't play too much yet ;) Someday, hopefully!

Today, Miss Beth came over with her daughter Addy for a quick visit! Addy liked checking out the girls (and the cord to the swing!), and was very-well behaved - even at just 10 months! They brought the girls toys and 2 great new word books, with really neat pictures! Thank you Beth and Addy!

My baby girls are finally really fitting into their newborn clothes! 0-3 months are still too big, but the NB ones don't COMPLETELY engulf them anyway... so I'll leave you with a few cute pictures. They really are getting too big!

... but they're sick! :(

Yeah... I didn't want to spoil the fun of today's first post, but it's true. Elise and Avery both have their first colds. Fun milestone, huh? Elise has been incredibly congested for days, to the point that she can't really sleep because she can't really breathe. We were keeping an eye on things to try and see if it was allergy (we used a different formula for a day or two, just because it was on hand and they seemed to tolerate it fine), illness, or something structural like laryngomalacia (don't worry about what that is, it's not a big deal :)). We tried desperately to suction out her nasal passage to help her breathe (which you know she loved), but got nothing out. Odd.

The last day or two, we've had some success at getting a little drainage, but Elise continued to not eat, not sleep, etc. We all suffered ;)

Yesterday, the inevitable happened, and Avery joined her sister in the discomfort. Illness it is! Unfortunately for her, she seems to have gotten the worst of it. Today she was trying to rest on our bed while I was cleaning, and I looked over as she was rubbing her face in a giant pile of snot. Yum! After a quick mini-bath, we got a ton out of her nose (hooray!). I won't go into detail, but it was gross -- but of course I was thrilled, since poor Elise just kept snorting away without the same relief!

Throughout the day today, both girls are draining a bit more. Not sure if it's the humidifier we used last night or just the course of the illness, but they're breathing a tiny bit easier. Of course, if you think about the progression of your colds (if you get them as often as I do), you know that this time of drainage probably causes more trouble for an infant. The newest tricks today include choking on it, smearing it everywhere inadvertently, etc. Awesome! They are also fussier than usual, fussier even than THEIR usual of late. A little Tylenol seems to have helped some, so we'll see. Hopefully we're on the downhill side of things, because I can tell you that I was getting spoiled by girls who were a) used to their schedule and b) halfway decent sleepers!

I have said to many of you that I just don't think it's a big deal to have 2 newborns. From the get-go, Kyle and I have truly thanked God for personalities that just seem conducive to this, I guess. We have heard countless times that people actually feel sorry for us, because "having one newborn is hard enough", but we have always felt that the only difference is more butts to wipe and more mouths to feed. ;)

Now, I must rephrase that to say it is more butts to wipe, more mouths to feed, and more snot (vomit, etc -- insert your own favorite thing!) to clean up.

Still, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just hope my babies feel better soon!

The girls are 6 weeks old!

Unbelievable, isn't it? Let's compare, shall we...

June 20, 2008

































July 17, 2008



















And while it sometimes makes me incredibly sad that they're growing so fast, there are certainly some trade offs. For example, look how much more interactive they are already!

































































Also, we got to go to church yesterday, for the first Sunday since mid-April (pre-bedrest)!



















The girls were well-behaved in the service, but of course had to pick the most inappropriate times to squeak and grunt while trying to poop. Both of them. Nice.... :)

After church they demonstrated more how much they are starting to play.

































































As for everything else....

They are doing better on their every 4 hour feeding schedule, but sometimes give us a run for our money still when they disagree with the plan. :) We're getting there, I suppose.

Before the last couple of days (more on that later), they were sleeping 4.5-5 hours for two consecutive segments, almost every night. Heavenly! They still get incredibly fussy (read: inconsolable, usually screaming) for several hours in the evening, which we're hoping they grow out of quickly! They try very hard to self-pacify, but their little hands just don't cut it when the need to suck arises. Unfortunately, they also can't keep their pacifiers in when said need arises, so the tedious job of replacing them several hundred times an hour of course falls on Kyle and I. Don't be jealous.

On occasion though, they will fuss and fidget until they calm themselves down. This is wonderful, because a) it didn't require our help, and b) it often results in very cute photo ops :)




























On the mommy front, the abdominal muscles continue to give me problems (galore), but I'm regaining strength otherwise, which is very nice. I have had a heck of a time with 4 spots that keep opening up on my incision, but we finally found the culprit of the worst one. The knot at the farthest end won't dissolve still (I'm guessing because it's bulkier), and so my body is totally rejecting it and trying to shove it out.

The solution? Take it out

My OB suggested it, and said I could come in or just have Kyle do it at home. It really wasn't as big a deal as it sounds, but it was a funny picture to say the least, to watch Kyle sterilize surgical equipment and have a go at my incision in our bedroom. We couldn't get the whole knot out because the sutures kept breaking (which means they're breaking down at least!), so hopefully the rest will come out soon or dissolve on it's own. This would help the healing process tremendously! So any bets? When Elise and Avery turn 6 months, do you think I will no longer feel the effects of this pregnancy?! :)

That's about it for us. The three of us girls have been staying INCREDIBLY busy with errands, shopping trips, household chores, etc when we aren't playing or fussing/consoling. Kyle has been working longer days, which stinks but is I suppose a nice way to ease us into his next rotation, that begins later this week. For the next 8 weeks or so, I'll be on my own every fourth day AND night, and we'll miss him for about 14 hours a day the rest of the days. Boo! We are still so appreciative of his program for giving him such easy months in June and July. Also, we look forward to more good months beginning in October. Thank goodness for being another year farther along, and having more elective months! ;)

So please, if you think of it, say a little prayer that when he's gone for days I might see a lot of this:































or this:

















and not so much of this:














Take care!

Avery?

Since the girls' birth, I have felt like Elise looks a bit more like Kyle than like me, but I have definitely caught glimpses of myself in her at times. Avery, on the other hand, hasn't looked much like either of us that I can tell. In very early pictures, she looked a lot like Aunt Cassi did as a newborn.... which I suppose means she expresses some Lawless genes, but other than maybe having her Mommy's eyes we thought she just looks like Avery!

That was until today. I came across several pictures that solidified that she's mine ;), but this one is so good that at first Kyle didn't realize it wasn't her!

(Also of note, who knew they had bouncy seats back in the day?!)

Even better than pictures from the camera!

Our portraits are online! I've been checking several times a day, and today they appeared! :) Here's a slideshow (43 photos), or if you can't view it for some reason, there is an sub-album of the proofs in the Picasa album.

The slideshow moves a bit fast by default (plus, it started when your page loaded, so you've probably already missed several!), so you can mouse-over it to pause and manually advance.

Personally, I would suggest using the Picasa album... the photos are slightly bigger there, and there is interpretation of text when it's hard to read! :)

Enjoy!

Five Weeks, Five Hours!

Last night was a gooood night. Well, maybe just a good night :) The first hour or two was a bit rough with fussy, fussy babies (the norm lately, for some reason...). Still, the girls ate at 8:30pm and not again until 1:30am, which meant a few solid hours of sleep for Kyle and I! Then, they didn't wake to eat again until 5:30. A 5-hour stretch + a 4-hour stretch?! I'm a bit scared that I might be due for a bad day, in return for such a good night :) Here's hoping for the start of a trend......

I'll try and post a few pictures later, if I can get them off the camera sometime today.

Have a great week!

And just like that, I have an update....

Unfortunately, it's a quick one, and a somewhat negative one. If you could keep me in your prayers the next little while, I'd appreciate it. Specifically, I have discovered that I have a pretty significant diastasis recti, which is where the rectus abdominus muscles split apart, into right and left halves. It's not totally uncommon, especially in mothers of multiples. It's only moderately uncomfortable as they are (hopefully) returning together, but it's taking a toll on me emotionally.

Many of you who know me well don't have to have an explanation of my history with body image issues, to put it vaguely :) I praise God that I was able to deal surprisingly well with the pregnancy, my ginormous belly, etc .... but I was very much looking forward to taking back a little control over my recovery and post-partum self. Unfortunately, that control was just taken back from me for at least a while, until the 1 inch canyon that runs down my stomach disappears.

It might be somewhat petty I know, but if you don't mind, please pray that this might resolve on its own, and maybe quickly? In some cases, it requires surgical repair. In some cases, it leads to abdominal hernias, etc. I really don't want to be one of those cases. More than this, please pray for my emotions as I struggle temporarily with this setback. It may not seem like much, but it all did a number on me last night... and I'm not exactly thrilled with the situation still. It's annoying to be so incredibly weak, and to be so limited in what I can do about it... and it just starts an ugly cycle of frustration with which I'd rather not reunite.

Thank you in advance for your support -- and I promise to try and stick only to cute baby pictures and updates in the near future! :)

TGIF!

Happy Friday, everyone! Today was filled with lots and lots of errands, but that ended up a blessing for sure! It turns out that by force-feeding the girls for so long to keep them in an acceptable range until hitting term, etc, we have ended up getting them stuck in a cycle of overfeeding. On paper, this is easy(ish) to correct. In reality, it means screaming girls several times throughout the day .... so multiple car rides turned out to be as beneficial for Elise and Avery as it was for Mommy's checklist! ;) We have figured out that the most logical way to taper off a bit is to increase time between feeds, so we'll see how that goes. It's worked fine some nights (certainly not all.... notice I didn't brag at all about last night's sleeping efforts!), so hopefully it won't be too difficult a transition. Who would have thought we'd find ourselves in this predicament with our little girls!?

That's seriously about it for an update. The camera broke temporarily this morning, which had me in a minor frenzy.... mostly because I want/need a new camera, but not quite as immediately as it appeared I would be getting one. I fixed it though, so we can hold off - which is truly a relief! That's about it. It's been a pretty boring day, and not near as productive as I might have hoped. We were going to go to the Museum Center (Free today, from 4-8!), but Kyle has to take calls from 4-10pm. It's almost the weekend though, which means nothing to our schedule... but it does mean that Kyle is home!

If we do anything exciting, I promise I'll update. Until then, enjoy your weekend!

Busy Half-Week...

What a busy week so far! The girls have experienced a lot the past week and a half, whether they realize it or not! :) After about 12 weeks (bedrest + post op), I am finally "allowed" to get out of the house, even when we're by ourselves..... so I sure have! We have gone to the grocery store (we always need diapers), Hallmark for Ornament Premiere Weekend (done with that part of Christmas shopping!), Target several times, the mall for the first time in a LONG time, Circuit City (whose carts are ENTIRELY too small for even one infant carrier!) and today to Bridgewater Falls to run a few errands and sit for Elise and Avery's first portrait session! They are so cute (or the photographer was so good.... think what you want ;)) that they will be featured on at least one studio wall, if not a few in the Cincinnati area! That's fun, but the best part is that the giant canvas portrait, when it gets replaced, is ours for the keeping! I'm not sure it will be at home in our humble abode, but it's still cool :) I desperately wanted about 80% of the pictures they took, but was very responsible and only got several. I have a twinge of regret for not getting one of them, but I'll move on eventually! Not bad for our first time... I'll have links or proofs available eventually, whenever they find their way online.

We also discovered a great store at the mall! We had avoided it in the past, because it looked like a place where I could spend way too much money (and I still could, I suppose!). It turns out, though, that the Children's books and toys in said store are overstock from various places, and are super cheap! Score! (You know, because the girls don't have a lot of books .... ) :) The girls were very alert and content in the July heat (that makes only 2 of us!), and did very well at the mall. Of course, most of the time they slept... but when they were awake, you could tell they enjoyed their first good shopping experience ;)



Going into their second month of life, my big girls have finally started to grow into some of their newborn clothes! :) Depending on the brand, of course, some are still too big... and 0-3 Month outfits are totally out of the question. Still, we're getting closer, and actually getting some wear out of our adorable summer outfits!



Nevertheless, apparently even newborn summer hats are still a bit on the large side ....



While we were at Target and the mall yesterday, we decided to look for sun hats that might fit. These looked close, but they still have a little ways to go. Bummer!


Today we walked, which is very different than "we went for a walk". After about 2 miles around the neighborhood, at a pretty poor 17-min/mile pace, I realized that being a couch potato (and maybe just being pregnant.... but CERTAINLY the combination of the two) wreaks total havoc on your body. I was ok, and we obviously kept a faster pace than our leisurely strolls the past few weeks, but I am in shock at how weak I have become! Boo!

In much better news, last night the girls went two stints of 4.5 hours of sleep, with just one nighttime feed! Things were NOT going well at the beginning of the night, so we traded the receiving blankets for the Small Swaddle-Mes.



After we grieved a little that they are growing so much, so quickly .... voila! Between that small change and offering 5 ounces for the 2 late feeds, it was a great night! Of course, that threw today off... but they're getting there! Speaking of which, it's time to eat, because it's always time to eat :) Have a great night!

Happy One Month!

Elise and Avery have been here for one month. I can't even begin to put into words what kinds of thoughts that evokes, so I'm not even going to try. Not a day goes by, though, that we aren't so incredibly thankful to have them in our lives. They really are our little miracles.... dreams that came true.




Avery, 1 week


Avery, 1 month


Elise, 1 week



Elise, 1 month

4 weeks old!

Look how big we are getting!

"West Chester Mother of Twins (and More!) Club" Summer Picnic.... a mouthful, but fun!

Today was the West Chester.... oh, you saw the title. It was the WCMOTC Picnic. Or even better, the "twins club" picnic. First, if you're interested, let me direct you to the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, Inc website. (Seriously, because we had to name more than one child at a particular time, everything we name has to exceed the average number of words utilized in similar situations? Of course!). This organization is sort of an umbrella for local Mothers of Twins/Mothers of Multiples clubs, which have "the purpose of promoting the special aspects of child development and parenting which relate specifically to multiple birth children". As for the West Chester club, we have meetings once monthly for moms with various speakers, or activities, "moms night out", etc. There are also several events throughout the year for families (dads and kids, included!), plus play dates, etc. It's a wonderful group of ladies that provide support, encouragement, etc - and adult conversation(!) - who understand the ins and outs of parenting multiples better than anyone can who hasn't had the pleasure. It's something that, as we're learning already, you can't really explain by comparing it to raising two singletons .... so it's nice I guess in that regard to have a bunch of moms who are along for the ride, at various stages of life, who know. It's also just a great group of people, and a lot of fun! :)


So this afternoon, we grabbed the girls (and their diaper bag, carriers, carseats, stroller, stroller attachments, UV "cabana", rain cover, bottles, formula packets (awesome "on-the-go" packs (that are even cooler because we didn't pay for them)), and everything else that comes along) and headed for Armco Park in Lebanon. The weather, while predicted to be pretty crappy, was absolutely perfect. The shelter was nice, there was a great turnout, and we had a wonderful few hours socializing with those we (I) knew and meeting more of the members of the group. Avery and Elise were by far the youngest in attendance, which brought along a lot of doting and memory sharing. It was so wonderful to watch about 100 families come together with twins, triplets, etc ranging from 4 weeks to 14+ years. Most were toddlers or young school agers, which were a blast. The bash is definitely geared towards those with children a bit older than 4 weeks, so we mostly just ate, hung out in the shade, and enjoyed the company. A few pictures....


Even the Vans? :-D
















Last Names K-M assigned to bring a "salad". I don't "do" "salad" really, so Jello Salad it is! ;)




















The girls, ready to party!




































The totally sweet "Bounce House" (Castle!). Add putt-putt, boating, fishing, cornhole, etc and you have a really great get together!















.... Great, that is, if you're old enough to stay awake and play! :)







































The Kwik Cabana, although obviously not ours specifically. Definitely forgot a photograph... It worked out wonderfully, though! We (all) loved it!